Living with Anxiety & Panic Attacks

I've often considered whether or not I should write this post as its a very personal and upsetting subject for me to discuss. I know I've mentioned that I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks briefly but nobody other than my boyfriend who lives with me and sees what I go through on a regular basis, knows the full extent of my anxiety and how it controls my life. I'm also wary of the fact that lots of bloggers seem to struggle with a similar problem (it must be us creative folk and our over-active minds) and I don't want anyone to think I'm jumping on some sort of anxiety bandwagon. Firstly, that would be sick. Secondly, this is exceptionally hard to discuss and not something I'd write about if it wasn't real and thirdly,  I've been dealing with this since the age of 13, that's 10 whole years. I know I shouldn't have to add any kind of disclaimer to this post but I just want to put that out there as people can be quick to jump to conclusions.

Now that's out of the way, I want to start this post by saying mental illness is not something that should be overlooked, dismissed or laughed at. Its just as debilitating as a physical illness and although you might not be able to see it, its there, in my head, at all times. What I'm hoping to achieve from this post is to help other people who might be going through the same thing as me or to help those not affected with anxiety to understand what it is, what it feels like and how it can affect a person. I truly believe in the saying "never judge a book by its cover" as you might think somebody has a happy, problem-free life but until you truly know them and the things they've been through, you really have no right to judge.

What is Anxiety and a Panic Attack? What are the symptoms?
These are two questions that I've popped into search engines on numerous occasions as I'm always trying my hardest to understand anxiety and the effects it has on the human body - physically and emotionally. Its so difficult to sum it up in a small paragraph but for me anxiety is a feeling of constant dread and the fear that something bad is going to happen. When I'm in a relaxed state, I can tell myself that my anxious thoughts are completely irrational. However, when I'm in an anxious state, all logic goes out of the window and I go into 'flight or fight' mode which is when a panic attack rears its ugly head. The body is designed to release adrenaline and prepare us for escaping or fighting in frightening situations but when you're a sufferer of panic attacks, this surge of adrenaline can kick in in the most safe environments. When adrenaline kicks in and there's no need to escape or fight, it can cause horrendous physical symptoms. This is what makes a panic attack so scary. 

Just to name a few symptoms I often have when experiencing a panic attack -
- Racing heart
- Chest Pain/Flutters/Palpitations
- Difficulty Breathing and swallowing (dry mouth)
- Feeling dizzy and lightheaded
- Tingling in my fingers and toes
- Body 'zaps' - when anxious every feeling in the body becomes heightened.
- Excessive sweating 
- Feeling 'spaced out', confused and unbalanced.

As you can imagine, its not nice at all and the symptoms can easily be mistaken for something much more serious. I thought it'd be helpful to add some snippets from a book I've been reading below as these paragraphs sum it up much better than I can myself - 

My experience and where it all began
So, now you know the general gist of what it is, let me share my experience of where it all began and how its developed. Anxiety started for me in the form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I've actually wrote a post about my experience with that here if you want to know more. To put it simply, its a mental disorder which makes you have compulsive thoughts and obsessions. For example, "if I don't wash my hands, I might get a serious illness!". It all began when my grandad suddenly passed away in his early 50's. I was only 12 at the time and didn't know how to deal with someone I loved so dearly being taken away from me so suddenly. It turns out I was dealing with it but in a completely un-natural way, I'd developed OCD. I won't go into too much detail but it completely controlled my life for a few years - I was obsessed with germs and would wash my hands so much they'd bleed. I'd also think every ache or pain in my body was life threatening. I genuinely thought I was losing my mind as up until this point, I'd always been a pretty happy and care-free girl. After dealing with this in secret, too embaressed to tell anyone how I felt, I experienced my first panic attack. I was 13 at the time.

I remember it like it was yesterday - I was sitting in my bedroom one night after completing my standard OCD rituals (I used to have to touch everything in my bedroom before I went to sleep) and the next thing I knew my heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe, I felt dizzy, my palms were clammy and I was hypervanilating. I truly thought I was dying and to put it bluntly, it was one of the most horrendous feelings I've ever experienced. Now imagine having to deal with that on a a regular basis, that feeling of impending doom, the feeling that something bad is always going to happen, thats anxiety. Well, thats what it is for me at least. I have a mixture of anxiety and OCD. Irrational thoughts mixed with irrational worry which then leads to a panic attack. I know it comes in lots of different forms and the way I feel and my symptoms might be completely different to someone else's, it really depends on the individual. The outcome of feeling anxious and having a panic attack is always the same though - feeling hopeless, trapped and out of control. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody.

What should I do? Can I get help?

You might be reading this thinking 'none of it makes sense' and thats completely fine, a lot of people don't understand anxiety unless they've experienced it themsevles. Lots of people presume its just their loved ones 'worrying', especially if they're a natural worrier anyway like me. In a way I guess thats what anxiety is - worry. However, its unnatural worry and worry so strong that it becomes unbearable to deal with and can make day to day life very difficult. My family used to be guilty of calling me a worrier and shrugging off my panicked states. After all, they just thought it was 'Kayleigh being Kayleigh'. However, when I finally plucked up the courage to tell them that it wasn't just worry, but something more serious, it didn't seem so funny anymore. I remember when I first told my mum and she couldn't stop apologising for all the times she'd made a joke about me being a worrier. I always knew she didn't 'get it' and thats not her fault, I probably wouldn't either if it wasn't me in that situation so my biggest piece of advice would be to tell your loved ones how you're feeling. My mum has been nothing but supportive since I opened up to her about the problems I was having and it really helps me to know I have a support system around me. Knowing I can pick up the phone and tell my family how I'm feeling takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Its also important to note that if you're the family member of someone going through this, be supportive and listen to them. You might not fully understand what they're going through but being there for them will mean more than anything.

Another thing I'd advise is going to see your GP. I've been on two seperate ocassions now, both of which weren't successful but eventually I got the help I need. On my first visit to the doctors, the GP did a 'test' by which they evaluate the level of your anxiety and I was told mine is 'severe'. However, I was sent away with a helpline and the name of some books to read - not what I was expecting. I tried the books ('Overcoming Anxiety' photographed in this post is great for helping to understand anxiety better) but I knew I needed professional help that would get to the root cause of my anxiety. After plucking up the courage to go back to the doctors and see a different GP, I finally got some answers. I was told about various medications I could take and although I've been too scared to take them since being prescribed, I was also told about CBT- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This seemed like the right route for me to take as I believe changing my thought processes and behaviours will help me the most. I've been for a few sessions now and although it was hard opening up to a stranger about experiences in my life that may have triggered my anxiety and panic attacks, it was an amazing feeling to know I'm finally taking control and getting the help I need. I can't say its 'working' just yet but I'm feeling positive and determined to take all the techniques and coping methods I'm being taught on board. Please don't be like me and spend years feeling embarrassed as its really nothing to be embaressed about. Doctors and therapists see people suffereing with the same symptoms as you day in, day out. Its their job remember and they aren't there to judge you. 

Things I've learnt throughout my experience

- I'm NOT Crazy - its very easy to feel like you're losing your mind when you're panicking for no reason whatsoever in a safe environment.

- The symptoms I'm feeling are real but they won't hurt me - I'm NOT having a heart attack. My therapist has taught me a technique to say "I'm always okay" repeatedly until the panic subsides. Reminding myself its just a panic attack and its happened a million times before stops it from spiralling out of control.

- I don't have to feel embarrassed, millions of people suffer with panic attacks on a day to day basis.

- I can confide in my loved ones and know that they'll be there for me and with time, they will understand.

- Its okay to get upset and let my emotions out when it all gets too much - don't bottle things up.

- Seek help and don't suffer in silence. Talking to someone about the issues you're having might help. If it doesn't, you've lost nothing. Anything is worth a try!

- Focus your mind on something you enjoy - for me, that's writing this blog. Whenever I'm blogging, I feel relaxed. It gives me something to focus on and doesn't allow my brain to think about anything else.

- Push yourself out of your comfort zone - I'm still working on this one myself but its SO important to face up to the things that make you anxious. I had a bad stage not too long ago where I had to take time off work as I was having panic attacks in the office every single day. However, I pushed myself to go back as if I didn't, the problem would have become worse and I'd of become more withdrawn and afraid to return.

That's all I'm going to say for now as I could go on and on and on about my experience and all the things I've learnt about anxiety and panic attacks for hours. Trust me, I'm a bloomin expert on the matter after spending hours and hours reading about them and trying to understand them. The biggest lesson I've learnt is that it definitely helps to admitt when you have a problem instead of bottling it up. This post was terribly hard for me to write and terrifying to publish on my blog but I feel its something I need to do. Panic attacks are a huge part of me and my life and although you might only see the happy me in blog posts, some days are tough and everything isn't as great as it might always seem. I think its important to remember that when reading blogs - you're only seeing a snippet of someones life and not the whole picture so try not to judge based on what you think you know. Thats another big life lesson I've learnt. If this post can help someone to know they aren't alone and they CAN get help, I'll be a happy lady. I often get emails from people asking for advice and what not so although this is a terrifying thing to write about, its very important to me.

If you or someone you know suffers with anxiety, please share your experience in the comments below. The more we can help each other out and make people aware that anxiety is a serious problem, the better. I'd also like to say thank you to each and every one of you who takes time out of your day to read my blog. Blogging and all the amazing people I've met because of it is one of the best things thats ever happened to me and its given me something positive and consistent to concentrate on, even when I'm feeling low. 

I'm still on my journey to finding the 'cure' for my anxiety but I'm positive that one day I can say good riddance to it forever.

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Dealing with OCD - My Experience

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Hi Lovely People. Today I want to discuss something that is very close to my heart, something I want to raise the awareness of and something I have suffered with for years. I realise most of you come to this blog to read about superficial girly stuff and as much as I love sharing my new favourite beauty product with you all, I sometimes like to sit down, write, and share my life experiences with others. As my header says, this is a 'beauty, fashion and life' blog. Now I normally don't like to bore you with my day to day life as I'm not all that interesting but this is a post I have been wanting to write for some time as I feel my experiences, thoughts and advice might help another girl (or boy, if there are any of you reading) to overcome and understand something I have only come to know too well for the past nine years. This 'something' I keep referring too is obsessive compulsive disorder or 'OCD' as know to many. 

As I said, OCD is an illness I have personally had to deal with for years and something that I feel is all too often viewed as a 'make believe' illness for those super organised folk who like to clean their house one too many times a day. Time and time again, I hear jokes and off the cuff remarks being made about that 'neat freak' who is 'totally OCD'. Now don't get me wrong, we all know people like this, sometimes its just built within a person to be overly organised and clean but more often than you'd expect, there is more to these obsessive habits than meets the eye. If any of you reading have never heard of OCD, it is an 'anxiety disorder characterised by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviours aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.' 

Basically, to make things easier to understand, it is a mental mind game that can send the most happy-go-lucky person to a very dark place.

I now want to share my story - how my OCD began, how it progressed and how it has improved. I know some of you won't be interested and if thats the case, feel free to click the 'X' but for those of you who can relate to the feelings mentioned in the statement above, I hope my story will help you realise you are not alone and that OCD is a very common yet very misunderstood illness. At the age of twelve, I sadly lost my grandad who I was extremely close to. Without going into too much detail, his death was sudden, he was young and I was heartbroken. For me, this is when my symptoms began. I was always a carefree 'I don't care what people think about me' kind of girl up until this traumatic time in my life. Suddenly I changed, my thought process changed and quite frankly, my life changed. As dramatic as it sounds to those who have never suffered with OCD, a switch flicked in my head and I was suddenly overcome by a sea of obsessive thoughts and irrational behaviours. Linking back to the death of my grandfather, I began feeling like someone close to me would be taken from me if I didn't live my life to a set of strict rituals.

The first 'ritual' that developed was the constant need to wash my hands and fear of germs and contamination. This is probably the most common and often laughed about form of OCD but I can assure you, it is far from funny. I got to a stage of washing my hands so much that they were chapped, dry and bleeding. I became obsessed with not touching door handles and would use my sleeve to open every door, even the ones in my own home. Now I'm sure you can all imagine that living this way wasn't easy. I began to feel ashamed of myself and would try my best to hide what I was doing from the people closest to me. However, the symptoms continued to develop and progressively got worse. It got so bad infact that it was interfering with my every day life and I wouldn't go to certain places as I would think they were contaminated. I would make a mess of my school work after thoughts like 'write it again' popped into my head telling me my writing wasn't neat enough. At one point it even affected me socially as the thoughts would tell me that I must not respond to a person without counting to nine first. You can imagine what an idiot this made me look and I started to feel like all I wanted to do was sit in the house all day and not have to see anybody.

The next 'ritual' that my mind was telling me I needed to do was one that would keep me awake till the early hours of the morning each night. This was my OCD at its most severe and it would include me having to touch every single thing in my bedroom before I went to sleep, opening and closing my door until it felt just right and turning my bedside lamp on and off 99 times. This is just a few of the things I would find myself doing each night and although I knew deep down it was ridiculous, these thoughts inside my head kept telling me something bad would happen to the people closest to me if I didn't perform these obsessive routines. With this being said, I continued to do what my brain was telling me until one night it all became too much and I broke down in tears on my bed. My mum was obviously concerned when she saw me in such a state and asked me what was wrong. I honestly didn't know what to say other than, "theres something wrong with me, I'm going insane" as this is what I truly thought. Luckily, I have a very understanding mum and she did her best to calm me down and talk things through. I remember feeling such relief after telling someone what I was going through and I then made it my mission to find out what was making me feel/think this way.

After doing lots of research online, I came across lots of websites that showed lists of symptoms almost identical to mine. Each of the websites had described obsessive compulsive disorder as an irrational thought process that makes us think we must do something to prevent bad things from happening. After reading up on the illness and finding out just how common it was, I began to feel like I could beat it and told myself I would stop listening to these stupid thoughts. However, it is easier said than done and for months I continued to struggle controlling them. It got so bad at one point that I was constantly having panic attacks, inability to sleep and constantly living in fear. I spoke to various people close to me throughout this time and all of them suggested the same thing; therapy. I had read online that cognitive behavioural therapy was the best way to treat the illness but I still felt too embarrassed to let anyone other than my family know about the things I was doing. Again, I continued with normal life and tried to ignore the thoughts. In time, things improved and I slowly learnt how to keep the thoughts at bay. I realised stress played a big factor and if I was worried about something, the thoughts would get worse. Over time, the hand washing and nightly routines stopped and the things I was doing gradually became less severe. I have never completely got rid of my OCD, nor do I think I ever will but I am slowly but surely learning to control and deal with it.

OCD is a very hard thing to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. It can completely take over a persons life, it can make you doubt yourself, cause paranoia, insecurity and a whole host of other things that make day to day tasks a huge mission. As I said, I have improved massively in the past couple of years and I think that comes down to realising the way I was acting wasn't right, trying my hardest to ignore the negative thoughts and realising I'm not alone in this. To finish this post, I want to include some advice to bare in mind if you are struggling to deal with OCD - 

- Tell someone how you are feeling - it will be a huge weight off your shoulders.
- Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed - OCD is common and millions of people around the world suffer with it.
- Try and control your thoughts. Tell yourself nothing bad will happen if you don't follow through with the  irrational behaviour.
-  Get help. Although I didn't see a professional, it is something I regret. I feel I could of dealt with it much quicker had I gone and asked for help.
- Never feel worthless - It is easy to feel controlled by thoughts but remember the thoughts do not define who you are as a person.
- Surround yourself with supportive people - If the people around you understand how you are feeling, they can help you overcome it.
- Try not to get stressed - It will only make your thoughts and feelings worse.

This time last year I would of been too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone about this, let alone publish it on the internet. However, since starting this blog I have come to realise the blogging world is a little community of people where we can all share our life experiences and help each other. As I said earlier, if this post can help even one person who may be going through a similar experience to mine, I will be happy. I hope you have enjoyed reading this wether you suffer with OCD personally or are just someone who has never read first hand how it can affect a person. Finally - if any of you want to retweet or link back to this post to help me raise awareness, I would be so grateful. (Twitter- @k_leexjx) 

Thanks for reading!

Lots of Love,